I fucked your wife at your reception in front of everyone, but please you should trust us in the future not to humiliate you again. It's just a one time occurrence. I just don't see why you're so angry? We're family, we share things (just not things I value). I was just keeping her in shape for you. You can have her when I'm done. It's just a small footnote in your marriage. Who cares what people say about the reception? Just because it happened shouldn't make you doubt me or your new wife. You should have faith in your marriage. People sleep with the brand new wife of their relative on said relatives wedding all the time. You're overreacting.
The posts supposed to calm us down sound as ridiculous to me as the paragraph up there.