New York’s Pro Sports Teams Debate for Local Supremacy
From the Mets and Yankees to the Rangers and Devils, we gave all 12 local teams a platform to argue their cases for local supremacy. Here’s what they had to say.
The representatives: Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist, Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, Yankees pitcher Masahiro Tanaka, Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony, Mets mascot Mr. Met and Giants Odell Beckham
NEW YORK RANGERS
Henrik Lundqvist (goaltender): Hello everyone, and welcome to the debate. Since I’m the handsomest, I get to start things off. (I’m only wearing this mask so you won’t become jealous, but trust me, it’s amazing under here.) Let’s talk about this great city of ours. There’s a rumor going around that we have three hockey teams. I’m here to tell you, it’s a lie.
There are the Islanders, who call themselves “New York” but play in a different city entirely; I can’t remember what it’s called, but I can see it from my penthouse. And there are the Devils, who, truth be told, are actually just a superstition. Apparently both of these teams won lots of championships before I got here, but I’ll see that when I believe it.
NEW YORK JETS
Ryan Fitzpatrick (quarterback): Howdy! I was going to shave for this, but I thought it would freak everybody out. In any case, I have a very exciting announcement to make tonight: We are officially changing our name to Jets! That is, with the exclamation point. And drop the “the.” It’s a bit of a rebranding.
We’re New York’s funner football team—we just never seem to win when we should. Whereas the Giants, who always get the top of the MetLife Stadium bunk bed no matter what we say, win when they shouldn’t. So I implore you to keep this in mind, voters: We are just two crazy catches away from having half the Super Bowl titles the Giants do in the past 50 years!
NEW YORK YANKEES
Masahiro Tanaka (pitcher): Konichiwa, my name is Masahiro Tanaka, and I have been designated your Yankee representative for the next two and a half years. New York is the Yankees’ town—which I thought meant that it was the town we play in, but actually means that it belongs to us. We’re Yogi smoking a cigarette with Sinatra at the Copacabana, I’m told. Whatever than means.
In addition, the Mets are losers. OK, they were in the World Series for the first time since we spanked them and sent them home 15 years ago. Although again, that’s just what I’m told. I was a 12-year-old Brewers fan at the time. In short, we’ll be right there at the end in 2016. Like we always are.
NEW YORK KNICKS
Carmelo Anthony (forward): Remember me? That’s right, I’m the guy who returned to the city of his birth to save its basketball life. Yeah I’m working on it. But right now I want to talk to you about a critical matter facing our great metropolis: unchecked Latvian immigration.
I work very closely with front-office intelligence, and my sources tell me that dozens of Latvians have flowed into New York just this year by stacking themselves inside a human skin suit, appearing to be one 7-foot-3-inch man. But, hey—New York is the city of opportunity, I get that, and I want to assure the people that I am willing to join forces with these Latvians, however many they are, to make this city great again.
NEW YORK METS
Mr. Met (mascot): No one on this stage embodies economic ingenuity like the Metropolitans. There’s a huge brain inside this baseball noggin. I mean, we just talked the best hitter on the free-agent market into leaving $25 million on the table just by telling him he didn’t have to move to Washington! Not that it was very hard.
Actually, we keep telling Bryce Harper to stop calling us. We don’t want his $25 million. Anyway, if you honor the Mets with your vote in 2016, we pledge to keep the outfield walls at Citi Field exactly where they are. (note: at least until Lucas Duda falls into his first slump of the season.) We will not build a new wall!! (note: unless we have to.)
NEW YORK GIANTS
Odell Beckham Jr. (receiver): I only play on offense—although it’s clear that I’d be the best player on the field no matter where I played. But someone told me after a game this season that we allowed 71 points to the Cowboys after Tony Romo had his collarbone removed at halftime and then came back in.
I wouldn’t know—I only play on offense. But obviously what we need here is a drastic ramp-up of defense spending. What are we, soft? The Giants don’t lead from behind, because that’s just confusing. When I look at the scoreboard, I want to know who’s winning and who’s losing. Unless it’s a tie. And there are no ties in America that I am aware of.
THE UNDERCARD DEBATE
On the undercard: A can of Red Bull, the Jersey Devil, the Islanders’ former Fisherman mascot, Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov, Lady Liberty and NYCFC striker David Villa. PHOTO: SCOTT POLLACK
NEW YORK RED BULLS
Red Bull Can (drink): Hello, Harrison! You’re beautiful. For everyone else out there, I know what you’re thinking: In retrospect, perhaps not the best corporate branding strategy. I am, as you can plainly see, a talking can. And I have plenty to say. Firstly, we need to seriously rethink our societal fixation on corporate branding. There’s just too much money in sports these days.
Which brings me directly to my second point: Screw NYCFC. They think they can just Marshall Plan a team together and make it work?! Please. Soccer wouldn’t even exist around here if it weren’t for me. I am New York’s original MLS team, holding down the fort from 10 miles west. Talk to me when you’ve won two Supporters Shields.
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
The Jersey Devil (mascot): Hello, people of the “Tri-State Area!” Remember when that term used to mean something to all of us? Well, never mind three Stanley Cups in nine years, I guess. New York hockey left us for dead when Martin Brodeur bailed and Lou Lamoriello left for...where was it again? I don’t remember.
Point is, here we are, sneaking into the playoffs right behind the hipsters, with their Chippendale goalies and fancy new rustbucket arenas. As usual. It’s just us and 16 Bruce Springsteen concerts a year in this cavern of a gymnasium. But that’s OK, really. You one-percenters can enjoy your celebrity sightings and $22 foie gras smoothies. We’re here to stand up for the real hockey fan.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS
Fisherman (ex-mascot): Ahoy! When the Islanders asked me to come back and represent the team for this debate, I thought: Forget it, you shlemiels kicked me off the jersey once already and I’m no glutton for punishment. I’m just supposed to pretend like that never happened?
You think I don’t remember the “No More Fish Sticks” chants in Nassau? It was the most humiliating experience of my entire nautical career—and I had a scene cut from the Paul Hogan remake of “Flipper.” And yet, here I am. Why? Because, voters, I have nothing else going on. But Brooklyn has embraced me, and it will embrace you, too. I promise. You just need to grow a beard and wear a stupid-looking hat. Check, and check.
BROOKLYN NETS
Mikhail Prokhorov (owner): Three words, everyone: “Billionaires. Always. Win.” I watched Mike Bloomberg go 3-0 in this town, and he’s like 5-foot-2. Knicks owner
James Dolan? Merely the son of a billionaire. It may not look like it, but my Nets are winning right now. I mean, they’re losing by 30 points at this moment, but that’s only on the basketball field.
Did you know that Barclays Center is constructed entirely out of nickel that I mined with my bare hands in Norilsk? It’s true! Ask Paul Pierce. He’s there right now. In Norilsk, I mean. As to those rumors swirling around that I want to sell my Nets before I take the opportunity to play power forward a couple times: All I can say is: I am 6-foot-8.
NEW YORK LIBERTY
Lady Liberty (mascot): I’ll get this out of the way quick, because I know I’m going to get shortchanged on time here: We are the best basketball team in New York City, and this “second stage” chauvinism is laughable. Ha! We had the best record in the entire league this season.
Sure, we lost in the Eastern Conference finals, but the Knicks haven’t had the best record in the NBA since...how old is the NBA? And the Nets? C’mon. We also have the WNBA’s best center, Tina Charles, and the Coach of the Year, Bill Laimbeer, who you know and love from those times he punched Larry Bird. Not to mention that my hook shot is totally unstoppable. Give me your tired jumpers. I will send them back.
NEW YORK CITY FC
David Villa (striker): You don’t know me yet, but I’m actually quite famous. I’ve scored nine goals in the World Cup, which is a soccer tournament. Two of my teammates, Andrea Pirlo and
Frank Lampard, are arguably even more famous than me. You probably saw our Times Square billboard, where we all fit into one pair of designer underpants. I’m the one on the right.
Look, NYCFC is in business with the Yankees, and we play at Yankee Stadium, and that means that we—and you, the fans—demand a certain quality of life. I mean, I thought this was New York City. Now they’re telling me it’s the “Bronx.” When I played for Barcelona, the pitch was in Barcelona. Simple. Let’s get back to basics and back to winning.
